Recycling a promotion from The Cat. I am using it without permission, so if he has a problem with it he can let me know and I will remove it, (if he wins a Rock, Paper, Scissors match against me.):

'One day a young boy came to me on my hill top and said, "Mr. Moonie, I have a problem." I looked at the lad with my wise eyes and said, "Yes my child, what may I help you with?"

"Well," he started, "I'm having lots of trouble with my family. My oldest brother keeps giving me atomic wedgies, my father makes me pull his finger all the time, the only time my mother talks to me is when she asks me to get her vodka from the fridge, my sister keeps shoving tampons up my nose, and my grandfather has begun to start touching me in places that make me uncomfortable."

I sat in deep thought for a few seconds, than I began:

My child, it's simple, your family sucks. Your brother is a mindless twit who'll be lucky if he ever gets to fuck a girl. Your father fried out most of his brain cells long ago huffing freon behind the apartment's dumpster. Your mother is a drunken whore as well as the biggest slut on the block. Hell, you're not even your father's child, no you tend to favor that man down the block with the "Will Work 4 Food" sign. And your sister is just frustrated because she was actually a boy who had her penis surgically removed at birth by an insane doctor. And your grandfather? Why he's a member of NAMBLA. That's right, The North American Man-Boy Love Association. And there's only one thing to fight that, WTF Radio! Only the soothing voices of the brave Chilly, the noble AAP, and the sexy Nomad can fight NAMBLA.

We both rose up and the little boy ran on his way to listen to WTF Radio at 9 o' clock Central time on Friday nights. As he ran I called out, "Remember Tommy! Listen to WTF Radio! They fight NAMBLA! And send your mother over when you get a chance, I have a present for her!"'